Muffins and Cookies
by Saddened Soul
Summary: When London is suddenly overrun by demonic muffins, Nathaniel is drawn into a conflict of which he never imagined. But it gets worse when Kitty Jones's baked cookies are stolen, and when Bartimaeus is summoned, he just laughs at it all!
1. Chapter I

(Well, because I finished 'The Golem's Eye' yesterday I think I'll celebrate by posting a comedy story; don't know when I'll update though.)

Muffins and Cookies:

Chapter One

Nathaniel sighed as he walked downstairs to the kitchen. Dismissing Bartimaeus had made him suddenly tired and hungry. Of course, his kitchen was not as decorated as his bedroom and living room, but he did not mind all that much.

He yawned loudly and opened the pantry door, scanning for whatever edible substance lay inside.

There was not much, aside from a jar of peanut butter and a jar of grape jam. "Oh, why not?" he thought before removing the two items from the shelf and closing the door; he set them on a counter and opened a small drawer, looking for a knife. He took one in his hand and grasped two pieces of wheat bread from a small basket. After opening the jar of peanut butter, he took a wad of it with his knife and began to spread it on one of the pieces of bread.

Once he finished both, he was about to close the jar when there was a sudden knocking at his door. Sighing with annoyance he strode out of the room and towards the door, unlocking it and jerking it open.

Nathaniel stared blanking at the dark sky; no person stood there, or so he thought before a strange growling noise emanated from near his shoes. He glanced down to see a small muffin with red eyes and sharp fangs hissing at him.

He raised his right eyebrow and glided over to the window, peeking out to see all hell breaking loose. Thousands of different, demonic muffins were flying through the sky and all of the commoners were squabbling about in panic.

"What in bloody hell is going on? Can't I make a sandwich around here?" he muttered before one of the walls of his house blew open, revealing a black- clothed figure with a gas mask. Before Nathaniel could say anything, the person flipped over to him and sprayed pepper spray in his eyes. The magician cried in distortion as the person grasped him by the arm and led him out of the house to a small black car, shoving him into the back seat and quickly tying his hands behind his back with a piece of rope.

The person then knocked a muffin away and climbed into the passenger seat of the car before it sped off down the road.

Nathaniel took about five minutes to regain his sight and composure before kneeling down on the floor of the car. "Why did you just attack me and kidnap me!" he yelled as the man in the passenger seat removed his mask. "Oh, of course Mr. Mandrake; I am William Vogreres."

"What type of name is that?"

"It's my codename."

"I'm sure…"

"Please, Mr. Mandrake, don't act so bewildered," spoke the driver of the car; she then tore off her own mask, revealing a face Nathaniel recognized in less than a minute.

"Ms Farrar! What are you,"

"William, please explain to Mr. Mandrake our current situation."

"Of course, Jane." He then turned to Nathaniel and smiled. "Jane and I are members of a highly sophisticated organization which is hidden within the British Government; we are the _true _reason Great Britain has become so powerful. Now, Jane was just part of a covert operation to uncover some information. However, someone dangerous as become aware of our intentions and has released the 'Nocujin'."

"Nocujin?"

"The demonic muffins."

"Yes, they multiply and breed at a tremendous rate; we were successful in catching one; it's in that chest to your left."

Nathaniel nodded and stared at the brown box. "Well?" William asked.

"What?"

"Open it!"

"How can I open it when I'm tied up?"

"Oh, fine!" William stretched over and flipped the lid over, revealing a blueberry muffin; the muffin opened its eyes and stared up at Nathaniel.

Jane gasped suddenly. "Ah, what an annoyance!" she exclaimed. "Their intelligence is growing and they're coming after us! William, get the map out; we have to get to headquarters."

"Of course, Jane."

She made a hard right turn, which knocked Nathaniel down on his back, as well as the chest; the muffin jumped out of it and landed on Nathaniel's stomach. "Uh, someone, help!" he cried as it began to attack him relentlessly. William swiftly pressed a small button which caused a glass button to slide and separate the two sections of the car; it drowned out the noise.

"Oh, if only these pesky commoners and magicians would get out of the street! The Nocujin aren't that bad!" Jane remarked as she pressed on the brake to stop before a red light.

Everything suddenly became quiet. Except for the panic outside and Nathaniel's muffled cries from the back.

(Well, for all you Kitty fans she'll be coming out next chapter, so stay tuned.)


	2. Chapter II

(Well, I'd like to thank those of you who are still reading; really, thanks.)

DISCLAIMER(Since I forgot to do it last chapter): I do not own The Bartimaeus Trilogy in any way whatsoever.

Muffins and Cookies:

Chapter Two

Kitty Jones stared at her watch impatiently as a cold rush of air ran through her hair. Her jacket did a pathetic job of keeping her warm, so she had it slung over her right shoulder.

"The bus is sure taking forever," she thought while taking a seat on the bench beside her. It was 9:25; the bus would _always_ arrive at the bus stop at exactly 9:20; something was definitely wrong. Kitty yawned and rubbed her eyes.

The streets were calm and silent. The small aura of light around the single street light across from her faded slightly. It was all… peaceful; _too_ peaceful.

There was a sudden scuttling noise behind the bench; she sat straight and strained her ears. There it was again, and again! The noise was becoming louder; she was holding her breath, until the wood creaked slightly.

Kitty turned her head to see a somewhat small muffin sitting next to her. She stared at it for the longest time, wondering how a muffin got onto the bench.

"Did someone place it there?" she muttered before poking at it. The muffin turned just a little before hissing. A sharp array of fangs suddenly protruded from a hole in its center, and two red eyes opened. It screeched and lunged at Kitty, startling her(I mean, who wouldn't be startled by a muffin attacking them?).

The muffin growled and plunged its teeth into Kitty's left arm. She winced before knocking it away with her free arm. The muffin fell and rolled on the ground. It hopped back up and jumped at its prey. Not being one to allow herself to be killed, Kitty stood from the bench and began to run, noticing more muffins flying through the sky in her direction. She turned into an alleyway and stopped.

The muffins did not seem to have noticed her, and kept flying and hopping straight ahead. She sighed in relief and took a few steps back, before falling through an invisible hole.

_Forty Minutes Earlier…_

Nathaniel furiously kicked at the Nocujin, slamming it against the door. "Stay away from me; stay away!" he yelled as the car suddenly slammed to a stop.

The glass door slid down and William peeked in. "Would you like something to eat Mr. Mandrake? We've decided to pick up some food. Jane is in a great hurry, so tell me now.

"Can… you not see… I'm being viciously attacked… by a _muffin_? Help!"

William sighed and drew a small remote from his pocket. Upon pressing a button, the muffin instantaneously blew up, splattering dough everywhere.

"Are we ready, William?" Jane asked. He nodded. "Yes, Mr. Mandrake isn't hungry."

"Good."

The vehicle turned into the parking lot of an old warehouse, parking near a rusted, worn- out gate. Jane quickly exited the car, leaving William to drag Nathaniel out by his legs.

"No worries, Mr. Mandrake; we'll have a nice cup of tea prepared for you once we get everything sorted out," he stated while following Jane into the building, stopping before a broken down vending machine, which, by the way, appeared very out of place. After inputting a new numbers, the machine opened, revealing a descending staircase. The three advanced.

Jane took the lead and walked through the first chamber, which seemed to be the main room for the entire base. Seven other hallways branched off to the sides, but they went down the one straight ahead.

Nathaniel took the time to look around from his place on the ground. A large amount of people wearing the same uniform as Jane and William were strolling around, taking care of errands; most carried stacks of paper, and computers, among other things, lined the walls. It was really just one, big commotion.

The hallway they entered was much calmer, with only a few personnel checking up on things. They continued down the hallway until they reached an average- sized door with a peculiar panel to the left. Jane took out a plastic card and slid it through a small crease in the panel. The door opened automatically, allowing entrance to the final chamber of the hallway.

A cloaked man wearing a hood was looking over some papers as they walked in. William had helped Nathaniel up so that he was standing on his feet, as well as cut the rope which had tied his hands together.

"Sir," William began, "we've brought him."

The man looked up, his face covered in shadow. "Ah, Mr. Mandrake, I see you're in a content condition. I do hope my subordinates treated you fairly; we have important matters to take care of, so, if you wouldn't mind, please take a seat."

Without a word, Nathaniel sat down in a leather chair across the desk from the man, who turned in his seat. "As I'm sure you know, horrendous creatures have been let loose upon London, and soon, if nothing is done about it, they will spread across the globe. They are called 'Nocujin', man- made demons created from merging different magic from different types of regular demons."

"And they look like muffins?"

"Well… yes. Now, the reason we brought you here is because we have a mission for you to undertake for us. All of our members will be busy with trying to control the chaos in London, so, you being a skilled magician, will be the one to find the source of the Nocujin and disable it. If possible, you would also track down the one responsible for these creatures."

Nathaniel fidgeted in his seat. "Alright, but don't you have someone else in mind for this? There are definitely better magicians than I out there."

The man nodded. "Yes, but we do not have time to enlist just anyone. _You _were chosen Mr. Mandrake, but do not fear, you will be allowed to summon a djinni to assist you; you will also have a partner, magician or otherwise."

Nathaniel sighed. "Really? _Must _I summon a djinni?"

"For your own personal safety, I would recommend it. Now, as for your partner, we have no one in mind for the moment, but we are working on it. A few of my best members have been scouring the city all night with our, 'Worm Holes', so they should find someone suitable for the mission." The man stood up. "You will be given half an hour to acquire the help of your demon; after that I would like you and the djinni to come back here to meet your partner as well as to have the mission explained more explicitly. William, please escort Mr. Mandrake to a guest room. Jane, go and check up with Wesley, please."

William grasped Nathaniel by the arm and led him away.

_Ten Minutes Later…_

Kitty awoke slowly, blinking a few times to allow her eyes to adjust. "What…?" she muttered before standing from the bed and rubbing her eyes. "Must've been drugged or something…"

She was in a small room; only a bed was present. She exited the room, slowly eyeing her surroundings. The hallway was quiet, except for the sound of chalk against wood in the room across from her. She was tempted to look, but a strong hand grabbed her arm. "Hold on, Ms. Jones, we have to get you prepared."


	3. Chapter III

(Whoa! Already over ten reviews! Thank you readers! Oh, I also apologize for the lateness of the update, but writing this becomes a tad more boring than other stories, but I'll try.)

Muffins and Cookies:

Chapter Three

Nathaniel examined the room he stood in; the wooden floor creaked; a small table with a lamp upon it was near the back of the room. A few candles and books lay on a separate table, near the back.

William cleared his voice. "Well, Mr. Mandrake, I'll be leaving you to summon your djinni now. There is some chalk on the table with the books, and the books, themselves, can be used for reference."

Without another word, William walked out the door, leaving Nathaniel to adjust the cuffs of his coat before snatching the box of chalk.

"This… _is children's chalk_!" he muttered before opening the box and staring at the several pieces of pink, light blue, and yellow green chalk. He sighed and shook his head, and, without hesitation, took the pink and knelt down, cursing under his breath as he drew the shape of the pentacle.

_Ten Minutes Later…_

Nathaniel wiped some sweat from his brow while checking the pentacle. He nodded and stood, regaining his composure. He then closed his eyes and murmured a peculiar spell quietly, concentrating on saying everything perfectly.

A few moments passed in silence before the pentacle glowed. A sphere of fantastic colors exploded above it, several lights darting around… but just as suddenly as the lights lit up, they dulled.

A sigh, and an exasperated one at that, could be heard coming from the sphere. "Hmm… seems you broke the record John; a three hour difference between dismissing me and summoning me!"

"I wouldn't have summoned you if I didn't need to, Bartimaeus, so just calm down."

"Oh, I am calm," replied the djinni. "I _knew_ you would summon me again; what is it now? Do you not know how to prepare a sandwich, because you'd be the first magician I'd have to make one for."

Nathaniel shook his head. "Please, just listen; this may sound unbelievable, but muffins have suddenly begun wreaking havoc in London. The people who brought me here wish for me to find the cause, and-,"

"They want a djinni to assist you? Yes, it's all very predictable."

The lights flashed out and in their place stood a young, Egyptian boy wearing his normal clothing. "But wait, you said muffins…?"

Nathaniel nodded. "Yes I did, but we must go."

* * *

"So, do you know who your other partner is?" asked the fly who was swarming around Nathaniel's head. "No, I don't," he answered as they turned left into another hallway, passing a few people.

"You do know where you're going, right?"

"I'm quite positive…"

* * *

"It's a pleasure to meet you, Miss Jones," stated the cloaked man as he shook Kitty's hand. She looked around the room, taking notice of the large screen hanging from the ceiling behind him. "What is this place…?"

"Oh, yes, well we'll be getting to that Miss Jones; I'm sure James has explained our situation?"

"Right, with the muffins… and you want me to do something about it…?"

"Yes, that is why we've brought you here, and-,"

A door to the left opened, revealing a muscular man wearing a uniform along with Nathaniel and a parrot standing on his shoulder. "Here we are Mr. Mandrake."

"Thank you, I just got lost…" His gaze traveled to the cloaked man's desk, and Kitty, who was sitting in a chair a few inches away from the front of the desk. The cloaked man stood. "That will be all, Vladimir, leave us."

The muscular man walked past the magician and his djinni, closing the door behind him.

"Welcome back, Mr. Mandrake; I trust you have brought a suitable djinni with you?"

"Y-Yes, I have…" Nathaniel responded. He could not avert his eyes away from Kitty's direction; she who was also staring at the two.

"What is he doing here?" she demanded, directing it to the cloaked man. He cleared his throat. "I know you two may not be on the best terms, but we have chosen you, Mr. Mandrake, and his djinni to work together as a team to find and destroy the cause of the Nocujin."

"W-Wait…!"

"Now, Mr. Mandrake, if you and your djinni don't mind, could you please come and take a seat?"

(A short chapter, I know, but I felt like it should end here. I hope anyone who reads this forgives me for my lateness.)


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